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I feel blood-stained
cocaine-contaminated needles
on my heart
I sense an abysmal trench
in the pit of my stomach
and I feel worse than helpless,
I feel like I shouldn’t even exist
I feel like I am nothing
whenever I remember
that I am sitting side-by-side
with the possibility
that not only could I lose you
the world could lose you
and I don’t think
I would ever be ready
and I feel so goddamned selfish
for having prayed
asking God to make you love me
when I should have spent
every minute concentrating
on asking Him to save you
never mind whom you love
never mind everything else

this world around me
is so frail so suddenly
like my hands would fall apart
in splinters
and my tears are insufficient currency
to pay fate for what
I would exchange everything for—

for your heart to continue beating
for your lungs to continue breathing
for you to open your eyes
at the end of the procedure
and smile

I never knew fear
before now
I never had a reason to fear
or anything to fear
but this.