Have you ever felt so sick it felt like your own body had
betrayed you and conspired with someone else without
your consent just to make you suffer, and assaulted you
with a physical pain of such magnitude it occupied all of
your thoughts and there isn’t even any space to think of
anything else, or anyone else even yourself let alone feel
anything except that pain and the pain is inside you so
you can’t separate yourself from it or escape it that pain
is you now it is as much a part of you as your right arm
or your left leg and your beating heart and taking any drug
to conquer it is tricky because it feels like it would have to
conquer you too and that pain is just so close and solid,
like you could touch it and that pain is the world you live
in, there is nothing real except that pain, that pain is
everything and getting up from bed is pain and walking
is pain and eating is pain and trying to fall asleep is pain
and it just hurts so much and so totally that it is
mathematically impossible for you
mathematically impossible for you to feel love…at all

you just want the pain to go away